More Than Myself
by Old Russian Lady
Summary: Red's worst fear comes to life when Nicky comes home late one night.


Garlic potatoes, chicken, asparagus. Yes, it's all here." Red had spent two hours in the kitchen preparing Nicky's favorite meal for dinner. "Oh, except for the lime for the Pellegrino. Oh, well."

It had been two years since Nicky and Red had both been outside of Litchfield, living together in a decent sized apartment in Brooklyn. Nicky worked two jobs, sometimes going 2 straight weeks between the two jobs before finally getting a day off. But she insisted it be that way. She considered this Red's "retirement" and wanted her mother to not have to worry about doing anything but what she wanted to do. Besides, Nicky never had to have a job before so the responsibility was a nice change.

Nicky would never admit it to Red, but her insisting Red not have to lift a finger if she didn't want to was her way of paying back Red for all of the shit she helped her through throughout the years. Nicky would do absolutely anything for Red, and Red knew it. Just the same, Red would do anything for Nicky.

Red inhaled deeply, taking in the aroma of the chicken that was seasoned so wonderfully. Red looked at the time, 7:38.

"That's odd." Red said aloud to an empty house. Nicky told her she got off work at 6:30 and be home by 7. Red, begrudgingly, shook it off and blamed it on a late train.

Red continued setting the table and pouring the glasses. She liked to have everything ready so that her daughter didn't have to wait to eat. If Nicky was working all day, Red made sure she had a delicious dinner ready. And if Nicky was working all night, Red would get up very early to make sure a restaurant style breakfast was made for her girl.

"Nothing but the best for my little girl, huh?" Red would often say in the most sincere voice that just made Nicky's heart melt every time.

Red stole a glance at the time, 7:52. Ok, now she had reason to worry. She called Nicky's phone but it went straight to voicemail and Red came to the conclusion that her daughter was dead on the side of the road in a ditch lying face down in mud. Of course, no such incident has even come close to happening and Nicky was a tough girl that that scenario would probably never happen but, Red being the mother that she was, thought of this scenario first and believed it over a late train.

Red looked at the table she had set up. Italian seasoned chicken on the lower left side of the plate which took up a third of the plate. Lightly buttered, steamed asparagus lay diagonally on the upper right side of the plate, and the garlic roasted red potatoes were taking the space of the bottom right of the plate. A small, thin, clear glass was three quarters of the way full with chilled Pellegrino and a lime wedge sat on the rim of the glasses. Well the lime would be there had she remembered to pick one up at the market this morning. But other than that, it was perfect, just the way Nicky liked.

Interupting the proud moment she was having, Red heard someone fiddling with keys just outside the front door. No doubt it was Nicky.

Red went into the kitchen to grab the napkins which some how she managed to miss, when she heard Nicky come in.

"Nicky! Where were you? I was worried you died?" Red called from the kitchen, half joking, half serious. "I'm sorry but I forgot your beloved lime wedges. You'll have to do without."

Red walked back into the kitchen and started setting the napkins in their proper place without even looking at Nicky.

"Well are you going to sit down?" Red said looking up at her daughter, realizing Nicky hadn't said anything yet.

"How was wor-" Red stopped and dropped the second napkin on he floor, knocking over a glass of peligrino in the process. She looked at her girl. She looked her right in the eye and noticed an all too familiar look.

Nicky's eyes were bloodshot and she looked dazed.

"Please tell me how exhausted you are from working?" Red didn't realize but she had taken a step back.

Nicky was silent.

"Please tell me how you are so sleep deprived from working two jobs day and night for weeks on end?" Another step back.

Nicky was silent.

Red stared at Nicky, horrified.

"I'm going to bed." Nicky said quietly.

"No dinner?" Red gestured to the table.

"No." Nicky mumbled even more quietly.

Red was in disbelief and remained silent without realizing she was now leaning against the wall, opposite the room of Nicky.

"I wish," Red started slowly. "that you could see my heart. It's in two pieces. Crazy, huh?" Red said this in the saddest voice Nicky had ever heard her speak and Nicky's eyes watered because of it.

"I'm going to bed." Nicky repeated in the same quiet, monotone voice she spoke in before and disappeared from Red's sight, down the hall. Red did not move until she heard her daughter's bedroom door close shut.

Red sat down at the table looking at the dinner she had prepared for her hard-working girl, and didn't even pick up a fork. She let the tears come and prepared for a rough talk ahead.

*knock, knock*

"Can I come in?" It was 2 hours and 36 minutes later and Red couldn't do it anymore. "I at least need to know where you are with this?"

Red knocked once more after no answer.

"You know what, I don't need to be asking you for permission for anything right now." And Red turned the door knob, surprised it was unlocked. She stepped in the room.

It was a very cozy room with a giant fluffy white comforter, Nicky had to have when the two of them went shopping when they first bought this place.

Red scanned the room for anything she should be concerned with but saw nothing. She looked over to the bed and saw a lump under the blanket.

Red went over and sat on the edge of the bed. Nicky stirred underneath the blanket and Red took that as Nicky acknowledging her presence.

"Mommy?" Nicky tried making her voice sound as innocent as possible.

"No, stop with that. How'd you know I was here if you were sleeping?"

"You have a very distinct smell. It's good, it's the smell of my mommy." Nicky was sincere as ever but still as high as a kite.

"I have a lot of questions but we will go one at a time. Why? Please tell me I miss read you? Not again. I can't do this again." Red had an edge to her voice the bordered between sounding murderous and sounding angelic. It was a fine line that Nicky believed only her mother could pull off when disciplining.

Nicky peeked her eyes from under the blanket so just her forehead and eyes were exposed.

"It was there? I needed it? I mean what do you want me to say?" Nicky, in truth was terrified of Red in this state.

Red stared at her. Deep into Nicky's eyes as if trying to communicate telepathically her inner turmoil. The combination of her daughter being hooked onto drugs and her failing as a mother to prevent all of this.

"Do you have any idea the disappointment I feel? The heart break? The sadness? You hurt my heart, Nicky." Red let the tears flow. "I don't know if it is worse if I didn't know it or..did..I… can't…" Red was sobbing, almost uncontrollably. She always had this internal struggle when trying to discipline Nicky. She never knew whether to yell at her and let her see her anger or cry and let her see her heartbreak. When it came to Nicky, she never really had a choice, it was always the tears. Red had no control over the emotions that took over when Nicky was involved. Her heart was too big for this girl that she loved more than anyone.

"This is the first time since prison." Nicky said in a sorry attempt to comfort her crying mother. She peeked her head all the way out from the blanket.

"But not the last." Red said, not as a question more of a statement of truth.

"No, this is the last."

Red looked at her, surprised.

"I didn't miss it like I thought I would. It didn't do for me what I thought it would. I wont be doing it again. But now I know I fucked up." Nicky sat up so that she could be eye level with her mother. She was almost off her high.

"I know I fucked up big time by doing this. Not with myself but with you. The trust is broken now, it's back to square one. I remember having to start over so many times in prison with your trust and each time I knew I was going to gain it back. How could you forgive me for doing that? I knew you wouldn't and I caused myself to lose the best person to have ever entered my world. But then you did forgive me, every time. When I needed you, you were there through it all. And now, for the first time in a long time I've broken trust again and I know I won't get it back. I know I've lost you and I'm just really praying that history repeats itself because it's not worth it. You mean more to me than any drug, and I was too stupid to realize that before. If I want to get high all I have to do is come and find you, tell me love me, and I'll be on my way."

"Little girl, big mouth." Red choked between sobs.

"that's what I've been thinking about these last two hours."

"You knew I'd come for you."

"Of course. I know you, Ma. That's why I left the door unlocked." Nicky tried to smile but was discouraged when Red didn't smile back.

Nicky laid down and out her head in Red's lap and clung to her legs and waist like a desperate child.

"Please forgive me? I know I messed up and I know you're mad at me but please don't be. I know how wrong I am for doing it. And your heart…" Nicky was now the one to start to choke up. "I never want to disappoint you and you said you wish I could see your heart it's split in two…and that's something that I..cant..oh my god, I'm so sorry, Mommy…sorry…sorry…"

Red could feel the genuine heart that Nicky was pouring out to her and pleading to her with. She felt her own heart being stitched back together slowly. Then she remembered what Nicky needed to hear to get a different type of high and Red was more than happy to oblige.

"I forgive you and you haven't broken any trust." Red said, allowing her Russian accent to be as soft as ever, the she remembered Nicky saying she felt the most comfort with.

At these words, Red felt Nicky cling to her even tighter and could feel her shaking from her sobs. Red put a hand to her back and rubbed small circles to comfort her girl and let her know it was ok. Red did not agree with what Nicky did in the slightest, but she never seemed more sincere in her apology that Red couldn't hold it against her for another second.

"I'm proud of you, Nicky. You work so much, you support us so well. And you don't even want me to help you, you've got an amazing spirit, my girl."

"Yeah?' Nicky managed, in the most innocent and humble voice Red had heard from her in a while.

"Oh yes, honey."

"Ma?"

"What is it, sweetheart?" Red began to brush her hair with her fingers.

"Do you think I can be better?"

"Oh, love. You already are better. Look at what you've told me. It's not what you thought, you were disappointed in it. I think that's an amazing step in the right direction."

"Yeah?" in the same tone as before.

"Yes." Red kissed her on the cheek.

"Ma?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry about the dinner." Nicky said, looking up to Red's eyes from her lap.

"Oh, don't worry about that. I'm just glad you're safe."

"Of course I'm safe, I' with you."

"Well, you're right about that"

They were silent for a moment.

"So, my dear, tell me what you learned from all of this." Red wanted to know.

"I love you more than I love myself."

Those words are what Red lived for. The feeling that Nicky gave her with those words made every struggle, every obstacle worth it. Nicky was everything to her and Red's heart healed completely knowing that Nicky felt the same way about her.

"Nicky, guess what?"

"Tell me." Nicky snuggled into her mother's side as Red laid down beside her.

"I love you more than I love myself."


End file.
